a full bus is better than an empty one

Dear Bolton Carley,

Things are much different in my life.  In the last couple of years, I got married and had a baby.  I used to spend lots of time with my girlfriends and now I don’t really have time for them.  I think they are offended.  It’s not that I don’t care about them.  I just think my husband and child are more important and I can’t keep up as it is.  How do I explain that to them?

Help me.

Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

Sounds like you sure know how to take it up a notch!  A new hubs and a new child?  Wow!  Guess you know how to keep busy (I didn’t say “get busy”, but yes, it was implied.) lol. 

Here’s the deal:  Let me first suggest you not tell your friends that your husband and kid are more important than they are.  That’s kinda like telling your mom to “tuck and roll” when you stop the car.  Perhaps you need to rethink this a little.  Do you remember when you’re best friend got asked to the prom first and you weren’t sure even Larry the dork would ask you?  Or if not that, do you remember your friend getting her driver’s license before you and everybody wanting to hang out with her so you felt like a third wheel?  Well, that’s how your friends are probably feeling right about now. 

They were the first to buy tickets.  They already staked their claim on you and sat through the pre-show entertainment.  They probably listened to you bitch about ex-boyfriends and sat through your wedding planning drivel, or maybe they showed up at your grandpa’s funeral.  Don’t forget that. 

Sure, your friends have to realize that right now you have your hands full, but that you still love them and want them around.   It's another one of your 5,006 jobs to make them see that.   If you can’t spend time with them, text them while you’re making dinner to see how things are going for them or email them and say how much you miss them and that you can’t wait for Baby Overwhelmed to turn 3 so you can quit changing diapers and go back to a few girls’ nights out.  Don’t be one of those bitch-ditchers that forgets the little people on the way up.  We all need friends. 

You can’t drink margs with little Maddie Sue and you can’t talk mascara with your hubby.  (You maybe could but unless you married Pete Wentz, I’m guessing he won’t add much to the conversation.) 

Bottom line:  Everybody should get a seat on the love bus.  They might just have to be squeezed in a little more to fit.

Sincerely,

bc

anniversary shmamiversary

Dear Bolton Carley,

My husband never remembers our anniversary!  I didn’t even bother to buy a card because I am so tired of him forgetting.  It’s his job to shower me with gifts, or at least a card on our anniversary and I get nothing.  Can you torture him for me?

No Gifts Necessary Apparently

Dear No Gifts Necessary,

If I teach him to fetch a card and give you the puppy dog eyes would he be out of the doghouse?  I hate it that you have a guy who forgets big days like that, but I don’t think you’re doing yourself any favors by being no better than him and not getting a card or at least a bag of snickers.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.  I recommend helping yourself out a little. 

There’s nothing wrong with getting him license plates with your anniversary date on them or making him a calendar with a giant picture of you popping off the page on the big day.  Short of that, I would also simply say things like, “So where are we going to be celebrating our anniversary Saturday night?”  or “I told Jane I couldn’t go shopping because I figured we’d be going out for our anniversary.”  Give a dog a bone, literally and figuratively if you must.

 Just remember that although he may need reminders, he probably does do some other things right like putting the garbage out, mowing the yard before your parents show up, reading books to your children at bedtime or making dinner when you work late.  No guy is perfect but most of them are worth keeping. 

Bottom line:  Coaxing may get you moonlight and roses, but bitching will only get your food spit in.

Sincerely,

bc

famiy reunion...or not...

Dear Bolton Carley,

I’ve got family drama. We are traveling cross country to see family. They always tell us that they will drive the few hours to meet us where we make plans to stay, but they ALWAYS back out. After we make our long trek there, we have to add yet another trip to go to them because they can't come to see us. If it were me, I gladly would hop in the car to see family who drove FOREVER to see me, but they just don't.  Any advice for how to deal with this without severing relationships?

Sincerely,
Fed up and pissed off

Dear Fed Up and Pissed Off,

Families:  can’t put up with ‘em, can’t chuck ‘em out the back window of the station wagon.  Sometimes dealing with family is the hardest chore of all.  The flip side to that is that they are family.  Those are the people you are supposed to love no matter what because they have the same genetic background you do (whether you always want to admit that, or not). 

Let me first say I’m impressed that you have a good attitude about family.  I appreciate that you’re concerned about not destroying the relationship with them.  All too often, people forget that family is family and although you might not always like them, you should love them.  (A personal mantra repeated often.)  That being said, it seems like you make an effort to see them, but they expect even more.  We expect that from bosses and needy ex-wives, but not family members.

The best thing you can do is to send an email or text as soon as you know the dates you will be in the area so they have plenty of time to plan.  I’d also send a reminder a month before.  Then, I’d tell them you’re looking forward to showing them around at some great places you found nearby.  Be sure to gush about being excited to see them (nothing like a side of guilt to get ‘em there).  If you get a last minute call from them saying they can’t join you, don’t make the effort to go to them.  At some point, you have to break the pattern. 

Remind them what you had planned to do with them and say simply that you can’t cancel those plans as you’d already told the kids, or made a reservation or something.  Apologize that it didn’t work out, how you hate that since you’ve driven clear across the country to see everybody, but that you completely understand and hope they can swing through next year because you will be sure to let them know the dates again.  No harm, no foul.  Just don’t forget to send the Christmas card!

Bottom line:  Sometimes it takes a denial by the bouncer at the door before people remember they want to be on the guest list. 

Sincerely,

bc

hey big spender

Dear Advice Goddess:

I was brought up to believe that it's vulgar to ask people what things cost, such as their houses, cars or jewelry. A friend of my husband is always asking things like, "so how much did you pay for that TV ( or coat, ring, pushmower)?" and it drives me crazy. Do you have a snappy comeback that will shut him up?

Thanks,

Mrs. Retail Shopper

Dear Mrs. Retail Shopper,

Don’t you sometimes wish you could just shove a copy of Miss Manners in front of friends and tell ‘em to read up?  I completely sympathize with your situation, but do keep in mind that it’s possible they just aren’t a very good conversationalist and think they’re showing interest.  Then again, if you know they’re just being a snoopy S.O.B., here’s what I’d do:

1.       Do the old wave-off with your hand and say, “Oh, honey, I can’t tell you what that cost.  You’d be jealous to know what a steal I got.” 

2.       Or you can plead clueless (although sooo not my style): “Oh, I don’t keep numbers running around in my head these days.  I’ve got better things to think about, but I’m sure you could check on the website if you really wanna know.”

3.       “Oh, that?  That cost about 50 minutes of arguing with the husband in front of the salesperson and half a liter of margaritas beforehand.” 

4.       “That right there?  That’s the price of happiness right there.”  (I figure if you keep saying that, they’ll figure it out.  Kinda like when you say “take off your muddy shoes before you come in” 500 times to your kids.  They get it whether they admit it or not.)

5.       Or my personal answer, “What’d it cost?  Didn’t pay any attention.  Just threw it on the credit card.  Uncle Clyde always said price only matters when you’re talking hookers or beer.”  I’m not really sure it makes a whole lotta sense, but I’ve learned ain’t nobody got a comeback for it.

Then again, there’s always the basic, blunt “My momma’d kick your ass for asking a question like that.  We don’t talk about money ‘round here.  She’d be rollin’ in her grave.”  Nothing like a guilt trip to shut ‘em up.

Bottom line:  If he’s really your friend, then chuck it in the annoying habits pile and get over it.  There are far worse ones he could have.  If he’s best left as the acquaintance type, make it crystal clear you aren’t telling him.  That’s the “cost” of your friendship.

not brad paisley's online character YET

Dear Bolton Carley,

I just graduated from college, but I don’t have a job yet.  My parents said I could move home with them, but I haven’t lived at home since I left for college.  I like them, but I don’t want to live with them anymore.  The only problem is that I don’t have any money to live on my own either, and I already have a million student loans that I’ll be paying off for years.  Is it giving up to live at home?

Signed,

College Grad

Dear College Grad,

First off, congrats on graduating!  You survived the freshman 15, the I.D. checks at the bar, the cafeteria food, the 8am classes, and all the fresh meat to get a degree.  That’s a huge accomplishment.  Unfortunately, now your reward is trying to find a job to pay Aunt Fanny Mae (Damn her!) back all her dough instead of baking your sorry ass on a beach somewhere.  No one is happy about that, but you gotta do what you gotta do, and that includes moving home if you don’t want to add to your debt. 

I highly doubt it will be as bad as you think.  For one thing, won’t it be nice to have mom doing your laundry, making you hot roast beef sandwiches, and picking up your favorite pop at the grocery store?  (Oh, does that only happen at my parents’ house?  Sorry.) 

Seriously though, your parents are used to life without you, they probably aren’t any more thrilled than you are about the situation. But that’s what families do.  They work together for the best possible outcome.  And right now, your best possibility is to live rent-free with the gracious people who offered you a place to stay while you find the perfect job.  It’s not like you have to be there all day every day.  You can leave the house and go places.  You’re not 14 and driver’s license-less.   Just remember to thank your parents often, limit details about your personal life in front of them, and scour every internet site and newspaper and billboard till you accept an offer and kick back to watch Netflix in your new apartment.

Bottom line:  Giving up is permanently hiding in your parents’ basement with your cat and video game collection.  Wisely living rent-free for a few months is a whole ‘nother deal.

bc

beyonce knows the answer!

Dear Bolton Carley,

I’ve been with this guy for over five years.  We live together, and he even talks about having kids together, but I still don’t have an engagement ring.  I’ve tried hinting.  I even made him stop to look at rings in the mall one day, but no such luck.  He keeps saying there’s no hurry, but I’m tired of waiting around.  If I don’t get married soon, there won’t be any decent guys left.

Sincerely,

The Girlfriend for Life

Dear Girlfriend for Life,

I’m sure it is difficult to be on somebody else’s time table.  I get cranky if the rest of the world is standing in line for a blizzard at DQ at the exact time I am, let alone if I had to sit around for a man to plant a ring on me.   However, I would say you have some options.

First of all, I think you should state your case one more time.  Let him know all the reasons you would both benefit from marriage.  Be sure to speak his language (like he would get to see your boobs every day for the rest of his life or you’d have cheaper insurance).  Make him want to get married, but only try this once.  Then sit back and wait a month or two.  Continuing to bring it up or hounding him about it will only prove he is smartest not to marry you because you will instantly become the nagging wife right after being his bridezilla.  Ain’t no guy looking for that!

If that doesn’t work, I’d have to bring up the fact that you are living with him and he’s kinda used to having all things you at his convenience so in his mind there’s no need to rock the boat. (The bed: yes. The boat:  no.)  So how do you handle that?  You make yourself scarce.  Does your company need you to go on a business trip?  Do you have some vacation time you could use to visit old friends or family or even go sit on a beach in Hawaii?  Do you have a friend who’s going to be out of town that you could house sit for?  Or if all that fails, just don’t be home much.  Get that raving social life going with trips to the gym, drinks with the girls, or sand volleyball league.  Just don’t be readily available. 

They weren’t kidding when they said distance makes the heart grow fonder (hence the reason why grandma always likes your cousins that she only sees once a year best even though you mow her yard for her).  I guarantee you’ll see more appreciation, unless you don’t…  And if you don’t, it ain’t gonna happen.   In which case, run, Girlfriend, run!  Get outta Dodge before it’s too late to find a new mate! 

Bottom line:  If he likes it then he shoulda put a ring on it and if he still doesn’t whisk you up, then it’s time to find some fresh meat.

friends don't let friends not take the job

Dear Bolton Carley,

I hate my job, but love the people I work with.  I have been at the company for 7 years.  My two best friends are women I met there and can’t stand the thought of leaving, but I got offered a job that pays more and gives me a creative outlet.  I’m afraid I won’t have any time to see my old friends and that they may not want to see me if I ditch them.  Plus, I won’t always be around to be in on the inside jokes.  Do I just stay where I’m at for my friends or do I take the new job?

Cassie

Dear Cassie,

It sounds like you’ve got the 7-year itch, and nobody likes to wear calamine lotion!  Yes, it’s a tough decision to make, but you can do it. Perhaps there’s no perfect answer, but I think it’s time to talk to your friends.  (I recommend over cheesecake or double fat chocolate lattes and brownies.) 

It sounds like you have a well-established friendship.  Tell them about the new job (just remember not to say how you hate moving the piles of shit around at your current job – the one they will still have).  Tell them how excited you are about being creative and doing something new.  No real friend is going to want to take that away from you.  They will back you whole-heartedly.  Sure, you might not know every little detail about their days anymore, but it doesn’t mean you won’t still be friends. 

Make an effort to set up a weekly date with them.  It could be after-work drinks or shopping at the mall, whatever you normally would do, but be sure to follow through.  Heck, it could just be a daily conference call at lunch!  Because even though you may not know every detail of their work, you do know the basics of their job so it will still be easy to understand their world and be interested.  Plus, just think what a happier friend they will get if you take and love the new job, or maybe you’ll have more money to take them to Cancun (or at least buy ‘em a Slim Jim’s wiener at the corner hot dog stand).

Bottom line:  You have to do what’s right for you.  Never let someone hold you back, but don’t leave those someones in the dust, either.