famiy reunion...or not...

Dear Bolton Carley,

I’ve got family drama. We are traveling cross country to see family. They always tell us that they will drive the few hours to meet us where we make plans to stay, but they ALWAYS back out. After we make our long trek there, we have to add yet another trip to go to them because they can't come to see us. If it were me, I gladly would hop in the car to see family who drove FOREVER to see me, but they just don't.  Any advice for how to deal with this without severing relationships?

Sincerely,
Fed up and pissed off

Dear Fed Up and Pissed Off,

Families:  can’t put up with ‘em, can’t chuck ‘em out the back window of the station wagon.  Sometimes dealing with family is the hardest chore of all.  The flip side to that is that they are family.  Those are the people you are supposed to love no matter what because they have the same genetic background you do (whether you always want to admit that, or not). 

Let me first say I’m impressed that you have a good attitude about family.  I appreciate that you’re concerned about not destroying the relationship with them.  All too often, people forget that family is family and although you might not always like them, you should love them.  (A personal mantra repeated often.)  That being said, it seems like you make an effort to see them, but they expect even more.  We expect that from bosses and needy ex-wives, but not family members.

The best thing you can do is to send an email or text as soon as you know the dates you will be in the area so they have plenty of time to plan.  I’d also send a reminder a month before.  Then, I’d tell them you’re looking forward to showing them around at some great places you found nearby.  Be sure to gush about being excited to see them (nothing like a side of guilt to get ‘em there).  If you get a last minute call from them saying they can’t join you, don’t make the effort to go to them.  At some point, you have to break the pattern. 

Remind them what you had planned to do with them and say simply that you can’t cancel those plans as you’d already told the kids, or made a reservation or something.  Apologize that it didn’t work out, how you hate that since you’ve driven clear across the country to see everybody, but that you completely understand and hope they can swing through next year because you will be sure to let them know the dates again.  No harm, no foul.  Just don’t forget to send the Christmas card!

Bottom line:  Sometimes it takes a denial by the bouncer at the door before people remember they want to be on the guest list. 

Sincerely,

bc