friends with bad taste

Dear Bolton Carley,

My friend has a husband I don’t like.  I try to be nice for her sake, but I know he verbally abuses her if not worse.  Got any suggestions for what to do?

Icked Out

Dear Icked Out,

Been there, done that!  I know it is difficult to be around someone that you don’t like and that you know doesn’t treat people well.  I must also say that I commend you for trying to be nice to make things easier for your friend. 

However, I do think that if he’s abusive, it would be hard to be around him.  My first suggestion is to do your best to spend time with her when he isn’t available.  Then you can avoid him and she still gets out with people who are nice to her.  (If you know a good hitman, that’s not a bad idea either – oh wait, no, that is a bad idea, if not an enjoyable one to ponder.) J

Often times guys who aren’t nice to their significant others try to keep them from having close friends so that they depend on their husband instead.  Please make sure your friend knows that you care about her and that she deserves better.  How do you do that?  Well, she may not believe it, but you tell her those exact words, and I’m a firm believer in asking her if it would be okay if one of her kids was treated like she gets treated.  Usually when seen that way, it makes a lot more sense.  Plus, if she has kids, she needs to realize that her kids are learning it’s okay to be treated like crap. 

It’s always a long road of misery to get to the promised land.  Too bad you can’t just grab one of those canes from the old black and white movies and pull her out of her house like it was a stage.  But don’t give up on her when she refuses to see the light because I can promise you she won’t right away.  You do not want her to become even more reliant on her husband if he’s really that bad.  That being said, you can’t make her ditch him either.  She has to figure it out for herself.  And while you’re politely saying “WTF?” to all your friends about the situation, she is struggling to admit she screwed up in marrying him.  And she probably thinks she doesn’t deserve any better because that’s what he’s been telling her.  So do your best to build her back up and give her the benefit of the doubt.  (And then go home and have another drink.)

Bottom line:  Ride it out if you can.  No woman likes having a big ass.  Sooner or later, she’ll work on getting rid of it.

Sincerely,

bc

Get Smurfed!

Dear Bolton Carley,

I have a grumpy wife.  I love her, but she’s grumpy.  How do I magically make her happy again?

Happy Smurf

Dear Happy Smurf,

I ‘spose I should first say:  you’re not alone.  My husband has one of those, too!  And there’s probably about a billion other guys right there with you.  And well, “magically” making her happy?  Good luck!

However, I would generally guess that most wives may not be so unhappy with you as unhappy with life, and quite honestly, she may not even realize it or know why.  I completely blame hormones, but I don’t really think this a matter of blame so much as a problem needing solved. 

You wanna a cheery, happy wife?  I highly recommend your first stop is the dishwasher.  Unload or load.  I guarantee she’ll be thrilled.  Have supper on the table or clean the bathroom and she’ll remember why she married you.  And even if work sucks, her sister won a trip to New York City, or her best friend ditched her to go shopping with the new boss, she’ll brush it aside because you did something out of the ordinary to show you love her.  And yes, you probably show her that in 5000 ways every day, but it’s the one thing that you don’t usually do that we notice.  It’s much like us going braless or wearing mascara when we don’t normally:  it gets your fire burning.  We just get hot over your domestic abilities and extra efforts.  What can I say?  It may not be right, but I promise results.

Bottom line:  Smurfette was blond, spoiled, and happy.  Smurf to it, my friend.  You know what to do.

Sincerely,

bc

Bad Moms Unite!

Dear Bolton Carley,

We often get take-out to feed ourselves and our two children.  The other night, my husband arrived home with Fazzoli’s in hand while I was talking to our neighbor in the driveway.  She basically called me a bad mom for always getting take-out.  Now, I feel bad every time we order out.  What should I do?

Signed,

Bad Mom

Dear Bad Mom,

Did you immediately call her a bad neighbor for being rude, or ask her if she’d like to start cooking for your family?  Didn’t figure so.  You were probably too taken aback. 

First off, you’re feeding your kids every night.  That right there puts you ahead of a large population of moms (as sad as that sounds).  Second, if that’s the worst you’re doing wrong, consider yourself Mom of the Year! 

Now, that being said, I get the feeling that it hit a nerve and now you’re feeling guilty.  If that’s the case, it’s time to take action (and I don’t mean by leaving a “steaming” Styrofoam box of “take-out” for the neighbor).  Perhaps, you could start small and try to fix 1 to 2 more meals than you normally do during the week. 

Lots of people make meals on the weekend and then just take them out of the freezer throughout the week or one of my favorites is to grill.  By grilling, you don’t have a million dishes dirty.  Just throw some meat, veggies, and potatoes on the grill and you have a meal.  Plus, use paper plates and cut out having to do dishes all together.  If you need to save time, that’s a good place to start.  That, or if you’re not a griller, there are places on-line where you can find recipes and it makes a grocery list for you.  Then you hop over to HyVee.com or Walmart.com or whatever is cheapest and order your groceries so you can pick them up on the way home, again saving you time.  So next time the neighbor calls you a bad mom, she’ll have one less reason to do so! J

Bottom line:  Choose to ignore your neighbors or choose to make them look bad.  But make a decision.

Sincerely,

bc

a full bus is better than an empty one

Dear Bolton Carley,

Things are much different in my life.  In the last couple of years, I got married and had a baby.  I used to spend lots of time with my girlfriends and now I don’t really have time for them.  I think they are offended.  It’s not that I don’t care about them.  I just think my husband and child are more important and I can’t keep up as it is.  How do I explain that to them?

Help me.

Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

Sounds like you sure know how to take it up a notch!  A new hubs and a new child?  Wow!  Guess you know how to keep busy (I didn’t say “get busy”, but yes, it was implied.) lol. 

Here’s the deal:  Let me first suggest you not tell your friends that your husband and kid are more important than they are.  That’s kinda like telling your mom to “tuck and roll” when you stop the car.  Perhaps you need to rethink this a little.  Do you remember when you’re best friend got asked to the prom first and you weren’t sure even Larry the dork would ask you?  Or if not that, do you remember your friend getting her driver’s license before you and everybody wanting to hang out with her so you felt like a third wheel?  Well, that’s how your friends are probably feeling right about now. 

They were the first to buy tickets.  They already staked their claim on you and sat through the pre-show entertainment.  They probably listened to you bitch about ex-boyfriends and sat through your wedding planning drivel, or maybe they showed up at your grandpa’s funeral.  Don’t forget that. 

Sure, your friends have to realize that right now you have your hands full, but that you still love them and want them around.   It's another one of your 5,006 jobs to make them see that.   If you can’t spend time with them, text them while you’re making dinner to see how things are going for them or email them and say how much you miss them and that you can’t wait for Baby Overwhelmed to turn 3 so you can quit changing diapers and go back to a few girls’ nights out.  Don’t be one of those bitch-ditchers that forgets the little people on the way up.  We all need friends. 

You can’t drink margs with little Maddie Sue and you can’t talk mascara with your hubby.  (You maybe could but unless you married Pete Wentz, I’m guessing he won’t add much to the conversation.) 

Bottom line:  Everybody should get a seat on the love bus.  They might just have to be squeezed in a little more to fit.

Sincerely,

bc

anniversary shmamiversary

Dear Bolton Carley,

My husband never remembers our anniversary!  I didn’t even bother to buy a card because I am so tired of him forgetting.  It’s his job to shower me with gifts, or at least a card on our anniversary and I get nothing.  Can you torture him for me?

No Gifts Necessary Apparently

Dear No Gifts Necessary,

If I teach him to fetch a card and give you the puppy dog eyes would he be out of the doghouse?  I hate it that you have a guy who forgets big days like that, but I don’t think you’re doing yourself any favors by being no better than him and not getting a card or at least a bag of snickers.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.  I recommend helping yourself out a little. 

There’s nothing wrong with getting him license plates with your anniversary date on them or making him a calendar with a giant picture of you popping off the page on the big day.  Short of that, I would also simply say things like, “So where are we going to be celebrating our anniversary Saturday night?”  or “I told Jane I couldn’t go shopping because I figured we’d be going out for our anniversary.”  Give a dog a bone, literally and figuratively if you must.

 Just remember that although he may need reminders, he probably does do some other things right like putting the garbage out, mowing the yard before your parents show up, reading books to your children at bedtime or making dinner when you work late.  No guy is perfect but most of them are worth keeping. 

Bottom line:  Coaxing may get you moonlight and roses, but bitching will only get your food spit in.

Sincerely,

bc

famiy reunion...or not...

Dear Bolton Carley,

I’ve got family drama. We are traveling cross country to see family. They always tell us that they will drive the few hours to meet us where we make plans to stay, but they ALWAYS back out. After we make our long trek there, we have to add yet another trip to go to them because they can't come to see us. If it were me, I gladly would hop in the car to see family who drove FOREVER to see me, but they just don't.  Any advice for how to deal with this without severing relationships?

Sincerely,
Fed up and pissed off

Dear Fed Up and Pissed Off,

Families:  can’t put up with ‘em, can’t chuck ‘em out the back window of the station wagon.  Sometimes dealing with family is the hardest chore of all.  The flip side to that is that they are family.  Those are the people you are supposed to love no matter what because they have the same genetic background you do (whether you always want to admit that, or not). 

Let me first say I’m impressed that you have a good attitude about family.  I appreciate that you’re concerned about not destroying the relationship with them.  All too often, people forget that family is family and although you might not always like them, you should love them.  (A personal mantra repeated often.)  That being said, it seems like you make an effort to see them, but they expect even more.  We expect that from bosses and needy ex-wives, but not family members.

The best thing you can do is to send an email or text as soon as you know the dates you will be in the area so they have plenty of time to plan.  I’d also send a reminder a month before.  Then, I’d tell them you’re looking forward to showing them around at some great places you found nearby.  Be sure to gush about being excited to see them (nothing like a side of guilt to get ‘em there).  If you get a last minute call from them saying they can’t join you, don’t make the effort to go to them.  At some point, you have to break the pattern. 

Remind them what you had planned to do with them and say simply that you can’t cancel those plans as you’d already told the kids, or made a reservation or something.  Apologize that it didn’t work out, how you hate that since you’ve driven clear across the country to see everybody, but that you completely understand and hope they can swing through next year because you will be sure to let them know the dates again.  No harm, no foul.  Just don’t forget to send the Christmas card!

Bottom line:  Sometimes it takes a denial by the bouncer at the door before people remember they want to be on the guest list. 

Sincerely,

bc

hey big spender

Dear Advice Goddess:

I was brought up to believe that it's vulgar to ask people what things cost, such as their houses, cars or jewelry. A friend of my husband is always asking things like, "so how much did you pay for that TV ( or coat, ring, pushmower)?" and it drives me crazy. Do you have a snappy comeback that will shut him up?

Thanks,

Mrs. Retail Shopper

Dear Mrs. Retail Shopper,

Don’t you sometimes wish you could just shove a copy of Miss Manners in front of friends and tell ‘em to read up?  I completely sympathize with your situation, but do keep in mind that it’s possible they just aren’t a very good conversationalist and think they’re showing interest.  Then again, if you know they’re just being a snoopy S.O.B., here’s what I’d do:

1.       Do the old wave-off with your hand and say, “Oh, honey, I can’t tell you what that cost.  You’d be jealous to know what a steal I got.” 

2.       Or you can plead clueless (although sooo not my style): “Oh, I don’t keep numbers running around in my head these days.  I’ve got better things to think about, but I’m sure you could check on the website if you really wanna know.”

3.       “Oh, that?  That cost about 50 minutes of arguing with the husband in front of the salesperson and half a liter of margaritas beforehand.” 

4.       “That right there?  That’s the price of happiness right there.”  (I figure if you keep saying that, they’ll figure it out.  Kinda like when you say “take off your muddy shoes before you come in” 500 times to your kids.  They get it whether they admit it or not.)

5.       Or my personal answer, “What’d it cost?  Didn’t pay any attention.  Just threw it on the credit card.  Uncle Clyde always said price only matters when you’re talking hookers or beer.”  I’m not really sure it makes a whole lotta sense, but I’ve learned ain’t nobody got a comeback for it.

Then again, there’s always the basic, blunt “My momma’d kick your ass for asking a question like that.  We don’t talk about money ‘round here.  She’d be rollin’ in her grave.”  Nothing like a guilt trip to shut ‘em up.

Bottom line:  If he’s really your friend, then chuck it in the annoying habits pile and get over it.  There are far worse ones he could have.  If he’s best left as the acquaintance type, make it crystal clear you aren’t telling him.  That’s the “cost” of your friendship.