friends with bad taste

Dear Bolton Carley,

My friend has a husband I don’t like.  I try to be nice for her sake, but I know he verbally abuses her if not worse.  Got any suggestions for what to do?

Icked Out

Dear Icked Out,

Been there, done that!  I know it is difficult to be around someone that you don’t like and that you know doesn’t treat people well.  I must also say that I commend you for trying to be nice to make things easier for your friend. 

However, I do think that if he’s abusive, it would be hard to be around him.  My first suggestion is to do your best to spend time with her when he isn’t available.  Then you can avoid him and she still gets out with people who are nice to her.  (If you know a good hitman, that’s not a bad idea either – oh wait, no, that is a bad idea, if not an enjoyable one to ponder.) J

Often times guys who aren’t nice to their significant others try to keep them from having close friends so that they depend on their husband instead.  Please make sure your friend knows that you care about her and that she deserves better.  How do you do that?  Well, she may not believe it, but you tell her those exact words, and I’m a firm believer in asking her if it would be okay if one of her kids was treated like she gets treated.  Usually when seen that way, it makes a lot more sense.  Plus, if she has kids, she needs to realize that her kids are learning it’s okay to be treated like crap. 

It’s always a long road of misery to get to the promised land.  Too bad you can’t just grab one of those canes from the old black and white movies and pull her out of her house like it was a stage.  But don’t give up on her when she refuses to see the light because I can promise you she won’t right away.  You do not want her to become even more reliant on her husband if he’s really that bad.  That being said, you can’t make her ditch him either.  She has to figure it out for herself.  And while you’re politely saying “WTF?” to all your friends about the situation, she is struggling to admit she screwed up in marrying him.  And she probably thinks she doesn’t deserve any better because that’s what he’s been telling her.  So do your best to build her back up and give her the benefit of the doubt.  (And then go home and have another drink.)

Bottom line:  Ride it out if you can.  No woman likes having a big ass.  Sooner or later, she’ll work on getting rid of it.

Sincerely,

bc

a full bus is better than an empty one

Dear Bolton Carley,

Things are much different in my life.  In the last couple of years, I got married and had a baby.  I used to spend lots of time with my girlfriends and now I don’t really have time for them.  I think they are offended.  It’s not that I don’t care about them.  I just think my husband and child are more important and I can’t keep up as it is.  How do I explain that to them?

Help me.

Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

Sounds like you sure know how to take it up a notch!  A new hubs and a new child?  Wow!  Guess you know how to keep busy (I didn’t say “get busy”, but yes, it was implied.) lol. 

Here’s the deal:  Let me first suggest you not tell your friends that your husband and kid are more important than they are.  That’s kinda like telling your mom to “tuck and roll” when you stop the car.  Perhaps you need to rethink this a little.  Do you remember when you’re best friend got asked to the prom first and you weren’t sure even Larry the dork would ask you?  Or if not that, do you remember your friend getting her driver’s license before you and everybody wanting to hang out with her so you felt like a third wheel?  Well, that’s how your friends are probably feeling right about now. 

They were the first to buy tickets.  They already staked their claim on you and sat through the pre-show entertainment.  They probably listened to you bitch about ex-boyfriends and sat through your wedding planning drivel, or maybe they showed up at your grandpa’s funeral.  Don’t forget that. 

Sure, your friends have to realize that right now you have your hands full, but that you still love them and want them around.   It's another one of your 5,006 jobs to make them see that.   If you can’t spend time with them, text them while you’re making dinner to see how things are going for them or email them and say how much you miss them and that you can’t wait for Baby Overwhelmed to turn 3 so you can quit changing diapers and go back to a few girls’ nights out.  Don’t be one of those bitch-ditchers that forgets the little people on the way up.  We all need friends. 

You can’t drink margs with little Maddie Sue and you can’t talk mascara with your hubby.  (You maybe could but unless you married Pete Wentz, I’m guessing he won’t add much to the conversation.) 

Bottom line:  Everybody should get a seat on the love bus.  They might just have to be squeezed in a little more to fit.

Sincerely,

bc

hey big spender

Dear Advice Goddess:

I was brought up to believe that it's vulgar to ask people what things cost, such as their houses, cars or jewelry. A friend of my husband is always asking things like, "so how much did you pay for that TV ( or coat, ring, pushmower)?" and it drives me crazy. Do you have a snappy comeback that will shut him up?

Thanks,

Mrs. Retail Shopper

Dear Mrs. Retail Shopper,

Don’t you sometimes wish you could just shove a copy of Miss Manners in front of friends and tell ‘em to read up?  I completely sympathize with your situation, but do keep in mind that it’s possible they just aren’t a very good conversationalist and think they’re showing interest.  Then again, if you know they’re just being a snoopy S.O.B., here’s what I’d do:

1.       Do the old wave-off with your hand and say, “Oh, honey, I can’t tell you what that cost.  You’d be jealous to know what a steal I got.” 

2.       Or you can plead clueless (although sooo not my style): “Oh, I don’t keep numbers running around in my head these days.  I’ve got better things to think about, but I’m sure you could check on the website if you really wanna know.”

3.       “Oh, that?  That cost about 50 minutes of arguing with the husband in front of the salesperson and half a liter of margaritas beforehand.” 

4.       “That right there?  That’s the price of happiness right there.”  (I figure if you keep saying that, they’ll figure it out.  Kinda like when you say “take off your muddy shoes before you come in” 500 times to your kids.  They get it whether they admit it or not.)

5.       Or my personal answer, “What’d it cost?  Didn’t pay any attention.  Just threw it on the credit card.  Uncle Clyde always said price only matters when you’re talking hookers or beer.”  I’m not really sure it makes a whole lotta sense, but I’ve learned ain’t nobody got a comeback for it.

Then again, there’s always the basic, blunt “My momma’d kick your ass for asking a question like that.  We don’t talk about money ‘round here.  She’d be rollin’ in her grave.”  Nothing like a guilt trip to shut ‘em up.

Bottom line:  If he’s really your friend, then chuck it in the annoying habits pile and get over it.  There are far worse ones he could have.  If he’s best left as the acquaintance type, make it crystal clear you aren’t telling him.  That’s the “cost” of your friendship.

friends don't let friends not take the job

Dear Bolton Carley,

I hate my job, but love the people I work with.  I have been at the company for 7 years.  My two best friends are women I met there and can’t stand the thought of leaving, but I got offered a job that pays more and gives me a creative outlet.  I’m afraid I won’t have any time to see my old friends and that they may not want to see me if I ditch them.  Plus, I won’t always be around to be in on the inside jokes.  Do I just stay where I’m at for my friends or do I take the new job?

Cassie

Dear Cassie,

It sounds like you’ve got the 7-year itch, and nobody likes to wear calamine lotion!  Yes, it’s a tough decision to make, but you can do it. Perhaps there’s no perfect answer, but I think it’s time to talk to your friends.  (I recommend over cheesecake or double fat chocolate lattes and brownies.) 

It sounds like you have a well-established friendship.  Tell them about the new job (just remember not to say how you hate moving the piles of shit around at your current job – the one they will still have).  Tell them how excited you are about being creative and doing something new.  No real friend is going to want to take that away from you.  They will back you whole-heartedly.  Sure, you might not know every little detail about their days anymore, but it doesn’t mean you won’t still be friends. 

Make an effort to set up a weekly date with them.  It could be after-work drinks or shopping at the mall, whatever you normally would do, but be sure to follow through.  Heck, it could just be a daily conference call at lunch!  Because even though you may not know every detail of their work, you do know the basics of their job so it will still be easy to understand their world and be interested.  Plus, just think what a happier friend they will get if you take and love the new job, or maybe you’ll have more money to take them to Cancun (or at least buy ‘em a Slim Jim’s wiener at the corner hot dog stand).

Bottom line:  You have to do what’s right for you.  Never let someone hold you back, but don’t leave those someones in the dust, either.

i'm waiting on her again!

Dear Bolton Carley,

My friend is constantly late.  If we go to a restaurant, a concert or even shopping, it doesn’t matter.  She’s always at least 15 minutes late.  Sometimes, I think she thinks her time is more valuable than mine because I’m a stay-at-home mom so it’s no big deal if I have to sit around and wait for her.  I love her to death, but I’m sick of waiting!

Jara in Atlanta

Dear Jara,

So your friend is pulling an Elizabeth Taylor, huh?  I’m sorry that you get stuck checking email on your smartphone or cleaning out your purse while your friend is lollygagging.  That’s so not okay.  The way I figure it though, she still ranks as a friend and sometimes you have to put up with or overlook irritating qualities in your friends.  Trust me.  I’ve overlooked some bad hair dye jobs, a hacking cough habit, and some inappropriate groping.  It’s just what we do for our friends.  And I’m sure you have no bad habits or unlikeable personality traits that she tolerates (ha ha). 

Now, that being said, you can still handle the situation.  I’d recommend mentioning to her every time she’s late how long you’ve been waiting.  She’ll get the not-so-subtle hint.  Then again, you can take the pansy-ass route (which is my usual approach) and simply tell her 15 minutes prior to when you plan on being there.  If she happens to be on time due to some rare alignment of the stars or her need to get out of the house before her mother-in-law shows up, don’t worry about it.  She wouldn’t.

Bottom line though:  Good friends are hard to come by.  Think before you rip her a new one.

Sincerely,

bc