1-upping and brotherly love - e-vice

Dear Bolton Carley,

Every time I go home for family holidays, I find that my little brother tries to one-up me.  I love my family and want my husband and kids to know them, but it drives me crazy that he always has to out-do me.  We got a new car before Easter and when we went home for 4^th of July, they had an even nicer one.  If we get my parents ipods, he shows up with a big screen TV.  It’s so frustrating.  What do I do?

Signed,

Out done

Dear Outdone,

First off, you may not always like them, but they’re still your family, and you have to love them!  Now, if it were me, I would take this as an opportunity to make your life better.  I’m thinking:  offer them a big family vacation to Lake of the Ozarks and maybe next year you’ll all be in the Hamptons on his dime!  Or if you’re going out to dinner, be sure to say he should drive since he has the new big fancy vehicle.  Take advantage of it, my friend! 

All kidding aside, is there a chance that he was the little brother who followed you around or looked up to you?  Perhaps he doesn’t even realize how it makes you feel, maybe he’s still just following his big sister’s lead, and that should be taken as sheer flattery.  Not only that, but I often say perspective is everything.  Would you rather have a brother that calls you asking for rent money or that lands himself in jail for a drug deal?  Suddenly, a little game of “anything you can do, I can do better” doesn’t seem so horrible.

Bottom line:  You can fix cars and dogs, but you just gotta love family.

-BC

a full bus is better than an empty one

Dear Bolton Carley,

Things are much different in my life.  In the last couple of years, I got married and had a baby.  I used to spend lots of time with my girlfriends and now I don’t really have time for them.  I think they are offended.  It’s not that I don’t care about them.  I just think my husband and child are more important and I can’t keep up as it is.  How do I explain that to them?

Help me.

Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

Sounds like you sure know how to take it up a notch!  A new hubs and a new child?  Wow!  Guess you know how to keep busy (I didn’t say “get busy”, but yes, it was implied.) lol. 

Here’s the deal:  Let me first suggest you not tell your friends that your husband and kid are more important than they are.  That’s kinda like telling your mom to “tuck and roll” when you stop the car.  Perhaps you need to rethink this a little.  Do you remember when you’re best friend got asked to the prom first and you weren’t sure even Larry the dork would ask you?  Or if not that, do you remember your friend getting her driver’s license before you and everybody wanting to hang out with her so you felt like a third wheel?  Well, that’s how your friends are probably feeling right about now. 

They were the first to buy tickets.  They already staked their claim on you and sat through the pre-show entertainment.  They probably listened to you bitch about ex-boyfriends and sat through your wedding planning drivel, or maybe they showed up at your grandpa’s funeral.  Don’t forget that. 

Sure, your friends have to realize that right now you have your hands full, but that you still love them and want them around.   It's another one of your 5,006 jobs to make them see that.   If you can’t spend time with them, text them while you’re making dinner to see how things are going for them or email them and say how much you miss them and that you can’t wait for Baby Overwhelmed to turn 3 so you can quit changing diapers and go back to a few girls’ nights out.  Don’t be one of those bitch-ditchers that forgets the little people on the way up.  We all need friends. 

You can’t drink margs with little Maddie Sue and you can’t talk mascara with your hubby.  (You maybe could but unless you married Pete Wentz, I’m guessing he won’t add much to the conversation.) 

Bottom line:  Everybody should get a seat on the love bus.  They might just have to be squeezed in a little more to fit.

Sincerely,

bc

famiy reunion...or not...

Dear Bolton Carley,

I’ve got family drama. We are traveling cross country to see family. They always tell us that they will drive the few hours to meet us where we make plans to stay, but they ALWAYS back out. After we make our long trek there, we have to add yet another trip to go to them because they can't come to see us. If it were me, I gladly would hop in the car to see family who drove FOREVER to see me, but they just don't.  Any advice for how to deal with this without severing relationships?

Sincerely,
Fed up and pissed off

Dear Fed Up and Pissed Off,

Families:  can’t put up with ‘em, can’t chuck ‘em out the back window of the station wagon.  Sometimes dealing with family is the hardest chore of all.  The flip side to that is that they are family.  Those are the people you are supposed to love no matter what because they have the same genetic background you do (whether you always want to admit that, or not). 

Let me first say I’m impressed that you have a good attitude about family.  I appreciate that you’re concerned about not destroying the relationship with them.  All too often, people forget that family is family and although you might not always like them, you should love them.  (A personal mantra repeated often.)  That being said, it seems like you make an effort to see them, but they expect even more.  We expect that from bosses and needy ex-wives, but not family members.

The best thing you can do is to send an email or text as soon as you know the dates you will be in the area so they have plenty of time to plan.  I’d also send a reminder a month before.  Then, I’d tell them you’re looking forward to showing them around at some great places you found nearby.  Be sure to gush about being excited to see them (nothing like a side of guilt to get ‘em there).  If you get a last minute call from them saying they can’t join you, don’t make the effort to go to them.  At some point, you have to break the pattern. 

Remind them what you had planned to do with them and say simply that you can’t cancel those plans as you’d already told the kids, or made a reservation or something.  Apologize that it didn’t work out, how you hate that since you’ve driven clear across the country to see everybody, but that you completely understand and hope they can swing through next year because you will be sure to let them know the dates again.  No harm, no foul.  Just don’t forget to send the Christmas card!

Bottom line:  Sometimes it takes a denial by the bouncer at the door before people remember they want to be on the guest list. 

Sincerely,

bc