friends with bad taste

Dear Bolton Carley,

My friend has a husband I don’t like.  I try to be nice for her sake, but I know he verbally abuses her if not worse.  Got any suggestions for what to do?

Icked Out

Dear Icked Out,

Been there, done that!  I know it is difficult to be around someone that you don’t like and that you know doesn’t treat people well.  I must also say that I commend you for trying to be nice to make things easier for your friend. 

However, I do think that if he’s abusive, it would be hard to be around him.  My first suggestion is to do your best to spend time with her when he isn’t available.  Then you can avoid him and she still gets out with people who are nice to her.  (If you know a good hitman, that’s not a bad idea either – oh wait, no, that is a bad idea, if not an enjoyable one to ponder.) J

Often times guys who aren’t nice to their significant others try to keep them from having close friends so that they depend on their husband instead.  Please make sure your friend knows that you care about her and that she deserves better.  How do you do that?  Well, she may not believe it, but you tell her those exact words, and I’m a firm believer in asking her if it would be okay if one of her kids was treated like she gets treated.  Usually when seen that way, it makes a lot more sense.  Plus, if she has kids, she needs to realize that her kids are learning it’s okay to be treated like crap. 

It’s always a long road of misery to get to the promised land.  Too bad you can’t just grab one of those canes from the old black and white movies and pull her out of her house like it was a stage.  But don’t give up on her when she refuses to see the light because I can promise you she won’t right away.  You do not want her to become even more reliant on her husband if he’s really that bad.  That being said, you can’t make her ditch him either.  She has to figure it out for herself.  And while you’re politely saying “WTF?” to all your friends about the situation, she is struggling to admit she screwed up in marrying him.  And she probably thinks she doesn’t deserve any better because that’s what he’s been telling her.  So do your best to build her back up and give her the benefit of the doubt.  (And then go home and have another drink.)

Bottom line:  Ride it out if you can.  No woman likes having a big ass.  Sooner or later, she’ll work on getting rid of it.

Sincerely,

bc

anniversary shmamiversary

Dear Bolton Carley,

My husband never remembers our anniversary!  I didn’t even bother to buy a card because I am so tired of him forgetting.  It’s his job to shower me with gifts, or at least a card on our anniversary and I get nothing.  Can you torture him for me?

No Gifts Necessary Apparently

Dear No Gifts Necessary,

If I teach him to fetch a card and give you the puppy dog eyes would he be out of the doghouse?  I hate it that you have a guy who forgets big days like that, but I don’t think you’re doing yourself any favors by being no better than him and not getting a card or at least a bag of snickers.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.  I recommend helping yourself out a little. 

There’s nothing wrong with getting him license plates with your anniversary date on them or making him a calendar with a giant picture of you popping off the page on the big day.  Short of that, I would also simply say things like, “So where are we going to be celebrating our anniversary Saturday night?”  or “I told Jane I couldn’t go shopping because I figured we’d be going out for our anniversary.”  Give a dog a bone, literally and figuratively if you must.

 Just remember that although he may need reminders, he probably does do some other things right like putting the garbage out, mowing the yard before your parents show up, reading books to your children at bedtime or making dinner when you work late.  No guy is perfect but most of them are worth keeping. 

Bottom line:  Coaxing may get you moonlight and roses, but bitching will only get your food spit in.

Sincerely,

bc

dirty socks unite

Dear Bolton Carley,

My husband NEVER picks up his dirty socks!  I have asked him a million times to throw them in the laundry, and every time, I find them scattered randomly around the house.  It feels like all I do is pick up socks.  What should I do?

Help me!

Becky

Dear Becky,

We all completely understand the sock drop and feel your pain.  However, before I go any further, I have to ask if this is a case of the Grandfathered T-shirt Clause.* (see below for explanation)  Unfortunately, if this was a habit he came with and you knew about it prior to marrying him, I hate to tell you that now you have to live with it.  That’s not to say that you can’t try making your case anyway, it’s just that if you don’t fare well, you can’t divorce him over it. J 

Now, from what you’ve said, I assume that you’ve been picking up his nasty-ass, sweat-infested, polluted socks when he leaves them like an Easter egg hunt for you throughout the house.  This is Pavlov’s Dog principle all over again, my friend.  He chucks the socks behind the recliner and magically they end up washed, dried, and in his drawer again.  Of course, he’s going to leave them for you wherever he wants, and shame on you for not having a laundry basket in every room so it’s easier for him (jk).   (He’s suggested it, hasn’t he?)

Anyway, you can handle this however you want, but now that he has a routine, it will be even harder to break.  One of my favorite attacks is to go ahead and pick them up.  Then deposit them in his pillowcase.  It sends a message, but it’s only appropriate if you have a bantering relationship.  If you don’t, you could just pile them next to the washing machine but not actually wash them.  If he ends up going to buy new ones before washing his own, so be it.  It will still be an inconvenience and though he may not admit it, I bet things change in the long run. 

So here’s the bottom line:  if he did it from the get-go, you’re stuck with it.  If it was an acquired habit in which he started taking advantage of you, make him remember what it would be like without you…

Sincerely,

BC

*Grandfathered T-shirt Clause:  applies to any articles of clothing or bad habit he had when you met him, e.g.  his horrible high school football t-shirt you wore the first time you stayed over thinking it was cute and now despise because it’s the only thing he wears on the weekend.  Therefore, because it was there before you, it is grandfathered in.  You just have to put up with it.